Oh My

Has anyone else noticed that the word “engaged” (as in, to be married) is en-gag-ed?

I hope that when I am engaged I am also en-gag-ed.

Week 3 – Energy

A short post tonight… many pages left to read before I may worship with St. Pillow.

At the end of week 3, I’m faced with a few questions and observations:

- What do I do with all this energy?
- Two weeks ago I’d have described this energy as ‘sexual,’ but I’m not sure that I can continue to do that.
- When the energy is released it is a mixture of pleasure and emptiness. Yes, it feels great in the moment. But what felt like release now feels like emptiness.
- What is the best way to allow this energy to build up but not “provoke” it? By “provoke” I mean give it an explicitly sexual twist, either by looking at pr0n or else thinking about sex?
- In noticing this energy I also notice other energy I expend without thinking about it – pacing while I read, the endless leg-bobbing which runs in my family, tapping the table all the time as if I’m playing piano. It reminds me of Buddhist monastics who, only eating one meal a day, have to be very careful about how they regulate their expenditures of energy.
- I am very curious and want to do some research on Buddhist and Christian celibacy, not from a moral “sex is bad” perspective, but just constructive ways to engage the spirit of the exercise and work with the energy.

What started out as mostly an experiment in sexual self-control, with the idea I’m preparing myself for some favor of D/s chastity, is quickly working itself into a very interesting experiment in spirituality. The older I get the more the line between the two seems to blur.

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Oooh! When I published this post it advised me that it is my 100th post! Wahoo! Break out the Miller High Life!

Week 2

I’m struggling with finding a good word or term for my experiment in self-celibacy. Maybe that’s the best way to put it, or perhaps orgasm abstinence. I’d like to find a term for this project which describes what I am doing. Partially because the project is not about sex per se, but about exploring my relationship with sexual energy, I want to avoid the O word – it’s not just about not having an orgasm.I don’t want to frame it in a negative way, as in what I’m “not doing,” because what I am doing is more important. What I am doing is exploring self control, and exploring how my energy feels different now than it does when I regularly get off. It’s a very, very different feeling. I think I’ll stick with self-celibacy for now.

Week 2 – so far, so good. I’ve stuck to my rules. Joshua’s comment about the punishment factor, and the point that the effort is more important than punishments and rewards, was hugely helpful. Even if I fall of the wagon, the experiment is what is important here.

Speaking of ‘falling of the wagon,’ what I discovered this week is what an orgasm junkie I am, and how different it feels to basically go cold turkey. Not that orgasms or masturbation are in any way bad things – I highly approve – but it’s interesting to see how my energy flows and ebbs during the week. Last Sunday after my weekly dose of endorphins I really noticed the difference my frame of mind which occurs after getting off. As the week progressed I noticed the tension build up, and it was back to a boiling point by Wednesday. Seeing this was a powerful lesson in how my own sense of self is moderated by the chemicals which get released into my body and the feelings I feel after climax. It definitely feels like, in a way, it’s something to which I’m addicted.

Training Schedule

In a conversation with a dom friend he asked me what I thought I need to learn to be a better sub. One thing led to another, and the topic moved to chastity and orgasm denial. I said that I didn’t have much experience with either, aside from a self-enforced experiment almost ten years ago. He suggested that as part of my own currently-single-training-regime I might limit myself to one orgasm per week, with a reward or punishment depending on success or failure. He suggested the orgasm be at the same scheduled time every week.

Today marks 7 days since my last orgasm. I’ve decided that Sunday is a good day, probably Sunday afternoon before dinner. That way it isn’t associated with waking up or going to sleep, but is a release of tension before the beginning of the work week. I’m not sure on any specific rewards or punishments yet, but I’ll consider that as the experiment goes along. Prior to my chat with my dom friend I was already thinking about exploring celibacy / chastity as a spiritual practice, specifically cutting back on orgasms and limiting or cutting out porn. Combining a spiritual practice with my interest in D/s makes sense.

We’ll see how long I can last going a week between orgasms without outside encouragement.

On Feeling 15 Again

I’m at my parents’ house for a week of family vacation. Even though I will shortly enter the last year of my early 30s (otherwise known as my ‘late early 30s’), whenever I come home for more than three days I feel the mental pressures of being about 15. Even though this house has been transformed in the past few years by huge amounts of renovation and work, it’s still the house in which I grew up. Even though my mom took me out to dinner last night and we had great food and I had a whiskey sour, part of me still feels like an adolescent. It is seemingly unavoidable.

So this morning my sister had yet to arrive and my mom was at her office catching up on some stuff. I decided to spend my time organizing things, figuring out what I’m going to take back west with me, etc. Because it was fairly hot on our second floor, and because I was carrying boxes and such, I decided to take off my shirt. Then I decided it would be more fun to do this work in my underwear. Then I decided it would be even more fun to do this work, instead of sporting the trunk-cut boxer-briefs I put on this morning, in a jock strap.

What prompted this? Well initially, as I said, it was very warm. Then when I had the idea to just do the underwear thing, it was me feeling like I wanted to do something ‘a bit naughty,’ which had a very slight risk of getting caught. Then, with the jock, I figured, what the hell, if I’m going to be ‘a bit naughty’ then I might as well be ‘a lot naughty.’ I like being naked or mostly naked, and as soon as I move back to the Leftist Coast I will have very few opportunities outside of my small room. So, I figured, why the hell not. Also it lets me feel submissive, which is cool. But mostly, I will admit, it was the 15 year old in me wanting to act out a bit.

Since I am fairly comfortable and confident in my mental health as a person who now fully qualifies as an “adult” or “grown up,” I like the fact that I can own this and have fun with it. I believe the term is “regressive pull” in the context of working with children and youth. I definitely feel “regressive pull” when I spend time at the ‘rents house. Who doesn’t like to be naughty on occasion?

Yes Plz

Oh. My. This is 100 degrees of awesome:

http://www.zazzle.com/good_boy_bdsm_reward_t_shirt-235122796616509104

Maybe someday I will be good enough to earn one! =)

Cough Cough, Sniffle Sniffle

I’m not sure what it is about being sick, but whenever I have a bad cold I also get *extremely horny*. It seems odd that while my body is fighting off this infection, I’m also completely distracted by sex. Maybe it’s the being in bed or lying down so much of the time? Maybe it’s that my mind is going in twenty different directions at once, and so something more animal takes over? I have no idea its cause, but it’s a pattern I’ve noticed for a long time.

Insomnia

When you can’t sleep, you write.

A Thought

My Dom friend in Boston, on my comment that I thought my DIY erotica was too sub-centric:

“I think if all porn were made, first and foremost, to satisfy the people who were making it, porn would be a lot hotter and generally less yicky.”

In other words, write what makes you horny.

Yes, Sir!

When The Rain Comes

Another installment of my DIY erotica.