Another Take On Marriage
It is, without a doubt, an encouraging sign that New York state has opened marriage to the LGBTQ community. I believe that separate is never equal, and numerous families across the Empire State will reap the benefits which marriage has to offer. Huzzah.
And, yet, I feel differently about marriage equality than I did a year and a half ago. I find myself much more in line with the opinion voiced in the New York Times which advocates for all the work which was done in getting building alternatives to marriage for non-married or non-heterosexual partners. I particularly like the line that domestic partnerships and civil unions “have offered us an opportunity to order our lives in ways that have given us greater freedom than can be found in the one-size-fits-all rules of marriage. ” Also, huzzah. I am increasingly thinking that any long-term commitment I enter will need freedom from one-size-fits-all marriage.
In 2009 the legislature of the state of Maine passed a marriage equality law. In doing so, they also defeated a domestic partnership bill at the behest of the supporters of marriage equality. The argument at the time, as I recall, was that full equality was preferable to separate-but-almost-equal status. In killing the domestic partnership bill, however, came risk. If marriage equality failed, they would have nothing. Marriage equality passed – and then was rescinded by a people’s veto at the ballot the following November. So instead of having something, the LGBTQ partners and families in the state of Maine were left empty handed. And crushed. I think a lot of good could have come from having domestic partnership on the books, regardless of the outcome of the marriage vote.
At risk of sounding ungrateful to those who have battled so hard on my behalf, and the work that I’ve done myself on the issue, I feel a sense of exhaustion about marriage equality. There were recent discussions in California about getting marriage back on the ballot, and there are similar discussions happening in Maine as well. But I personally feel there are numerous reasons to put marriage equality on the back burner. I increasingly do not want to devote my time and energy (and money) to this pursuit. Here are a few reasons:
1. While I do not believe that there are “levels” of civil rights, there are many more civil rights abuses going on right now than not allowing people to marry. Be it the recent power grab by the FBI, the pervasive abuse of the black community (and see this related article), the gross injustice of our “justice” system, the bullying of children in our schools (regardless of sexuality), and the Bradley Manning situation, I find it hard to justify repeated and intense activism for marriage equality when so much else is broken in the social fabric of the United States.
2. As I get older, and as I continue to hope to find someone with whom I can enter a long-term relationship, I’m beginning to question how that relationship will look. Until very recently I was entirely sure that the only way I could be happy was in a monogamous, committed relationship which would fit into the mold of marriage. Due to recent personal growth I am beginning to question if my specific needs are met by the mold which marriage offers. Maybe they are – I know that I value stability and long term commitment and will do a lot to ensure I have those in my life. But I might be willing to hedge on things, especially if it means long term stability. There’s a great line in the Savage Garden song “Affirmation” which states “I believe you can’t control or choose your sexuality / I believe that trust is more important than monogamy.” Having recently grown tired of trying to control my sexuality, the line rings very true. I also think that in the right situation having some form of an open relationship might actually be a healthy thing.
3. The marriage equality move also moves away from an LGBTQ / Queer community. Just as gay bars are closing across the country is a sign of LGBT integration with society, so is the success of marriage equality. While I believe in full equality for all in the legal realm, I also see how much is lost. What do young gay men known of our community’s history? What knowledge and traditions are we losing because we are integrating with the larger community? How do we maintain this identity and still be part of the whole?
As per my conversation noted from a few weeks ago, how does traditional marriage fit in with a D/s relationship? I would think, actually, there’s a lot of synergy with what is called a “50s style” marriage with the husband having the final say in the household. I was thinking about wedding vows while at a wedding last weekend and that, if I were to be in a D/s relationship and we were to get married, I would strongly consider using the “obey” language in my part of the vow. Many people at my wedding would be very confused about that, but it’ll be my wedding so who really cares? It would be a much more genuine expression of the relationship than today’s standard “equal” vows. It would feel natural to say. And, well, it would be oh so romantic.
So, I’m still trying to figure this all out. But hooray for New York for doing the right thing!
KQLGBTA
Ah, it’s that time of the year. National Coming Out Day, when the LGBTQA community openly declares our presence. We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it. Today all my friends were talking about National Coming Out Day, posting the fact that they are gay out on their Facebook pages, so on and so forth. And while that’s all fine and good, I had a different sort of coming out on my brain.
My summer fling just visited, and we decided that it’s best if we don’t try to do a long distance relationship. It makes me sad, I like him a lot. But I also am happy in that I feel liberated to go explore other opportunities in my new home. Specifically, I can go explore the kink community here (and, ahem, the Asian community). But in thinking about my summer guy, I am very aware that I never had the kink-coming-out conversation with him. I used the usual excuse with myself… it seemed like a short-term situation, why pollute the waters with something like that if we’re just going to have a summer of fun. Why bother?
But check out that language. “Pollute the waters.” “Something like that.” This is how I think about my sexuality, this is how I describe myself to myself. Healthy? Not so much. It’s time to be open with myself, and my sexual partners, about who I am and where I am on the spectrum. More importantly, it’s time for me to be happy. It really is now or never. It’s time for me to accept myself as a whole creation, a creation of God, a creation who doesn’t have to make excuses to himself or others about his sexuality.
And this includes the “K” part of my sexuality.
So, from now on… “I am what I am.” A fully whole creation of the universe. A person whose sexuality is labeled by many names, one of which I choose to be ‘kink.’ (Another I have adopted lately, instead of or in addition to gay, is Queer.) In honor of this, I suggest we should add “K” to the ever-expanding litany of letters. From now on it’s like a radio station West of the Mississippi – KQLGBTA.
There we are, kinksters, right up front. Better late than never.
Kick in the Stomach
The same sex marriage vote in Maine, following that in California, feels like a kick in the stomach.
Weddings For Everyone!
Yay!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090506/ap_on_re_us/us_xgr_gay_marriage_new_england
And there was GREAT rejoycing!
=)
