Hurt me, Sir!
Life is totally awesome when it surprises you. Life is totally awesome when you do something you weren’t sure you could. Life is totally awesome when the Universe rewards you for the hard work of growing and being your own you.
I had a play date this weekend; as I said to a few friends, “I’m having a pajama party.” He sent me a message on one of the dating sites I frequent to say that he would be in my area for a few weeks, and did I want to get together. I did want; we had a nice lunch last Friday and agreed on his return for a visit this weekend, from Friday night until Sunday morning. He’s a Dom/top, so for this session I knew in advance I’d be subbing, which is where I’ve been emotionally lately so that was super fine with me.
Aside from the play sessions we did the usual weekend things. Friday night we had Thai for dinner. Saturday we went for a hike, did some book browsing, and had some nice Indian food for lunch. He had to leave early-ish Sunday morning so we slept until 8 AM and then had a semi-mad rush to get him out the door at 8:30. So while most of the weekend was spent doing other things, the main focus and emotional locus, was the play time.
We had two sessions, the first on Friday night and then again Saturday evening. The one on Friday lasted three and a half hours and started after we got back from eating dinner. We had a good discussion about limits, sex, and safe words, after which I set up my appointment to call and check in with a friend post-session. Once the preliminaries were complete we got down to business. He started by tying a rope harness on me, which was pretty cool. I’d never had that done before, and I really liked the way my body looked in it. From there we went on to two major positions, spending a good amount of time on each. The first was me sitting on my legs on the floor, which he used for a clothespin episode. For the second he me tied to a chair, this time the central focus being clover clamps. I was an exhausted boy after three hours, but none the less felt great.
The Saturday night session wasn’t as rewarding as Friday, but did have my favorite moment. After returning from our day trip we agreed on the same ground rules and went to it. The first position was me standing up, my legs apart with a spreader bar, and my hands above me with my arms stretched out. My hands soon fell asleep and so we changed things up. The final position, my favorite for the weekend, was with me lying down on the floor. I had on my wrist and ankle cuffs; my legs were spread with the spreader bar, and then my hands were at my sides but the cuffs were tied with rope under my back such that I could move them a little… but not enough to protect myself from any blows.
Clearly there were many other details of what happened, but as this isn’t an erotica blog that will have to wait. Hot details aside (and there was considerable hotness) what was most important and validating about this play date was how I felt during the sessions and afterward as I fell asleep. I felt organically connected with myself, and completely grounded with my sexuality. I still feel both of these things two days later. I felt I arrived in a place where I was expressing myself, as a sexual person, in a way that makes sense and works for me. I felt liberated that I could offer myself up in this way, and that someone else could take my genuine offer and make magic from it.
Over the two sessions there were two moments of high intensity play which were mountain top experiences:
The first was on Friday night, when we were winding down. The clover clamps had been on my nipples for what seemed like a very long time, and I was getting anxious about them coming off. He agreed to take them off, reminding me how much it would hurt. I said I still wanted him to take them off, so he did. He removed the right one, and I felt a pain unlike I’ve felt since I had my appendix removed. He rubbed the nipple a bit, waited a few moments, and then asked me if still I wanted him to remove the other one. I said yes, he did, and I felt the same vicious pain. And while it hurt so much that I grunted heavily into the gag I was wearing (my horse bit one!), it was at that moment I felt highly connected to him, myself, and sexuality. I had just done something I didn’t know I could do before, and I felt I’d done something special for him. It made me want to do this with and for someone special, not just a chance encounter dude from some website. In that moment I felt a passion, connection, and understanding that up until now had eluded me in the realm of sexuality.
The second mountain top moment was on Saturday night. He’d given me something to hold in my mouth, but I dropped it and had earned a punishment. I was tied down on my back (as described above) and he told me we’d start with my saying ‘Hurt me Sir’ and that he’d give me one whack. I was to say it again and he’d increase the number of by one, continuing until I learned my lesson. Punishment scenarios are a huge fantasy of mine, so this was right up my alley. Each whack was moderately painful, and taken one at a time would have been easily manageable. However by the time we got to four it really started to hurt, and when we finished at ten I was nearly beside myself when I had to say ‘Hurt me Sir’ the last time. As we moved up through the numbers, each time I said ‘Hurt me Sir’ two things happened. First, I had to gird myself for the next series of whacks, preparing myself for the coming onslaught. Second, each time I said ‘Hurt me Sir’ I meant it a little bit more than the previous time. This simple phrase is a distillation, a mantra, of how I feel about opening myself up to another man in this way. Three simple words, a request directed at an authority figure, is the simplest conjugation of my kink sexuality in can imagine. It was wholly inspiring to be able to say it from the bottom of my heart and mean it. I want to know what it is like to offer that to someone in a real relationship, to experience the punishment and catharsis that follows in a genuine, real life way.
The other thing which I hadn’t expected was that I became completely comfortable calling him “Sir.” I usually hate that, it feels so cliche and does not reflect my very independent personality. But about half way into the Friday night session it started coming out naturally, and by the end of Saturday’s fun it felt natural and right. This is a barrier I’ve pushed up against for a long time, and I feel I’ve broken through to a new, exciting place in my ability to submit and let go of myself.
I have never submitted and felt fully able to explore my sexuality in ways that I’ve pined for since I was thirteen. I’d almost given up on that, thought it was some ideal I’d never attain. But this weekend, spent with a guy in possession of both skills and know-how, being in a different place emotionally since the last time I submitted, I finally broke through to a place I’ve wanted to be for so long. I broke through to a place where it was okay to be me, to submit, and to enjoy that. In the best moments this weekend I had a vision of a style of sex, a practice of intimacy, which could actually work for me in all the ways I’ve dreamed it working for me. How cool is that?
Friday Pajama Party
Yay! I’ve got a pajama party scheduled for Friday night with a guy I met online a few weeks ago. He sent me a ‘hi howareyou whatareyouinto’ email on one of my profiles because he was going to be in the state for a few weeks, and we took it from there. We had lunch last Friday, and he’ll be coming back through this Friday and is stopping here for some hopefully fun times.
According to his profile he’s 100% Dom, which is fine with me as I’ve been in pretty heavy sub space since my Memorial Day hookup. He sent a few pictures of some of his recent bondage work, and I have to say my heart went pitter patter at the thought of spending some quality boy time with him. We’ve been emailing back and forth, and in the next round I’m going to casually start the ‘let’s talk about what we’ll do’ conversation. Its been since last October that I had any sort of serious play, so Friday seems a bit too far away.
The part of this which I’m looking forward to the most is playing with no strings attached, with no concern about ‘what might this lead to.’ He’s from my state but lives far, far away and, while it’ll be fun to play, I don’t think we’d hit it off as a long term pair. So we can spend the night, get to know each other in an easy going way, and not have to worry about any of the messy ‘what happens next’ stuff.
Awesome!
