Language
I’ve been thinking a lot about language lately. So, I’m not surprised that I woke up and my mind was still whirring around the words ‘kinky’ and ‘queer.’
I think I like ‘kink’and ‘kinky’ because they are at once descriptive and also not descriptive. Just like “queer,” there is a connotation but it feels one step removed from terms like ‘bdsm’ or ‘gay.’ For instance, when I say “I’m a gay man” that automatically puts me in the category of men who have sex with men – which is fine, that’s what I do. But ‘queer’ is one step removed from that – it’s a bit more nebulous. Same with kink. I could use terms like D/s or bdsm, but those already are more descriptive about what’s going on. Kink steps back from that.
I think what’s positive about being a step removed is that it’s a larger umbrella for people to sit under. I may identify as a gay man, but if I use the label queer then I’m putting myself in the same group as trans people or lesbians might use instead. In the same vein, using “kink” could put me in with a group of people including lesbians, straight people, trans people, and others who are into something which they put under the rubric of ‘kink.’ It feels very inclusive.
I think the downside is that these less-specific words feel safer because they are less identified with specific sexual practices which I have negative connotations about. I’ve owned ‘gay’ for myself at this point, but I really haven’t done that with D/s or bdsm. They *sound* unhealthy, dirty, something I don’t want to be. And while that is my own baggage, I also want to find words and ways to celebrate my own sexuality. Sex is an awesome, sacred gift to be celebrated. Maybe a step toward that is using words from which I don’t shy away.
Hitching, Horses, and the Bridal Suite
As anyone who is paying any attention to the news is aware, gay marriage is, to say the least, a big issue right now. It is so amazing to think that I can get married, like, for real married, in Iowa, Vermont, Massachusetts, and Connecticut. Pretty. Fucking. Cool.
When I chose the name for this blog I’d intended it to be a reference pony play, not really thinking about the marital application of the word. So I am pleased and surprised to notice, from a BDSM perspective, that we can use the same word in both a play-space aspect and a traditional-marriage aspect. I want to get married in a nice traditional ceremony with tuxedos (yum yum yum) and a nice reception with a champagne toast and a dance with mom. Then I want to return to the bridal suite (would it be called a bridal suite without the bride? or would it be the grooming suite? wouldn’t we have groomed beforehand? and isn’t a groom someone who takes care of a horse?) and have a night of bit gags and awesome sexing.
Oooh, this just in from wikipedia:
What is a horse bridal used for? A bridle is a piece of equipment that fits over a horse’s head and holds a bit in the horse’s mouth.
And then I found this:
Bridling is the final step in preparing, or tacking up, a horse before you ride.
Hot.
I want some of this ‘tacking up’ to happen the night I get married, please and thank you.
So now we have ‘hitching,’ ‘bridal,’ and ‘groom’ – all three which can be related to both matrimony and pony play. There’s got to be some patriarchal deconstruction of matrimonial and equine language in someone’s thesis somewhere, but at 11:39 at night that is clearly out of the range of my thought process… and at any time out of the scope of this blog.
It makes me even more interested in getting married. And, um, pony play.
Now where is that bit gag…
On Being Called ‘Sir’
I am not one for the word ‘Sir.’ I grew up a blue blooded yankee; up here ‘Sir’ means either you’re old or you’re being patronized. Seeing as how I prefer neither to be patronized or consider myself ‘old’ just yet, I don’t have much use for the word.
I have also never really liked the word ‘Sir’ when it comes to my BDSM. When I’ve played as a bottom / sub I really have a hard time croaking out that word… it doesn’t feel right. When I am a Dom / top I also don’t like it – I feel that it generates a gulf between me and the person using it. I like being in control, but I also like intimacy. I find intimacy difficult being on other sides of the Sir line. I have gone so far as to indicate, in my online profiles, I do not wish to be addressed as ‘Sir’ until I first give permission.
So this morning I was minding my own business when I got an IM from an ex-boyfriend, who casually said “how are you this morning sir?” in a sort of greeting which isn’t out of the ordinary, a kind of greeting I might even direct at my own friends or even the ex-boyfriend in question. But in this case I loved it. I loved that this ex of mine had addressed me as ‘Sir.’ I didn’t want it to continue, but I loved that he did it.
So what gives? Why do I like ‘Sir’ in this casual context, but not necessarily in a scene or in bed? Now, admittedly, I haven’t really had that much experience with someone calling me ‘Sir’ in bed, its been with someone who I have a 50/50 equal-power-all-the-time vanilla relationship. I wonder if maybe, just maybe, I would like this more as I pursue more kinky relationships. Maybe the ‘Sir’ thing will work for me on the other side of the fence. Right now just thinking of this ex, all tied up in bed, calling me ‘Sir’ … it kind of gets me tingly. I could deal with that. Maybe its just with certain people, or imagined in certain situations.
Language is such a weird thing. Its odd how you can take a dynamic like ‘Sir’ and look at it from different points of view and find it works or doesn’t work, for the same person, depending on the context
My Favorite Punctuation Is In The News!
The Oxford Comma Makes Headlines
I dearly love the Oxford comma. A quote from the article which describes my feelings:
“People — people like me — love the serial comma. They rely on it. They feel like society’s abandonment of it is a sign that all has gone haywire. They feel about it the way other people feel about newspapers, green spaces, or virtue.”
The world would not be such a wondrous place were it not for the stars in the sky, the waves of the ocean, the smile of a lover, and the Oxford comma.
30 June 2011 | Categories: Identity, Language, Running Commentary | 1 Comment »