Dom Thinking
I am lucky to have some really great Dom friends who I chat with online on a regular basis. Today I was chatting with Ryan and he said some of the most thoughtful, cogent things about D/s relationships which I’ve heard in a long time. I as able to hear them in a way I haven’t been able to before, although I’m sure he (and others) have said things like this to me before.
At one point in the conversation we chatted about his experiences with his boyfriend who he lived with in a D/s relationship for over two years. Here are a few snippets:
2:36:21 PM Ryan: Yes, it can work!
2:36:36 PM Ryan: it’s just a matter of finding the right person and the right dynamic
2:37:05 PM Ryan: and two people who aren’t afraid to be what they are.
2:38:30 PM Ryan: in a way it actually made the “normal” part a lot easier, because I knew I could set rules, expectations, make decisions, run things, and he knew I’d bet there to do that and that he’d follow those rules. The power split was actually the easiest part for us. It was the . . . interests and life goals and personality stuff . . that messed us up eventually
With regard to my talking about how I’m feeling free to be myself:
2:42:07 PM Ryan: you have to be what you are. and you have to want to be what you are. So, being in a vanilla relationship is usually bad on both fronts. You get into it because you think you can be something else, and don’t want to be that something else, but what you try to be is . . . not you
2:42:33 PM Ryan: and you can’t have a relationship based on that sort of personal fraud.
The conversation then shifted to talking about the benefits of a D/s relationship that works:
2:45:28 PM Ryan: so we’re equal in the sense that we’re both fully formed creatures (sons of God, to borrow from churchspeak) but, in a relationship, power is always tricky. and BDSM solves those things, while allowing both parties to achieve their best — in and out of the house
2:46:43 PM Ryan: sub guys, I think, do better in their jobs and spiritual lives, etc., if there’s someone keeping them in line, and we Doms do better with someone to watch over and take care of little details
2:47:20 PM Ryan: having those sorts of needs met make us more successful people, I think. which is why it’s not just about playing and having kinky sex to me
2:50:44 PM Ryan: and I think the commitment has to be to loving my boy and seeing what he does as just as important and powerful as what I do, only inverted
2:51:48 PM Ryan: and for me, an “equal” relationship in the traditional sense, it just isn’t going to work. I need a boy kneeling at my feet, ready and willing to do whatever I say, and to keep safe and to help him become the best person – sub and otherwise – he can be.
2:54:27 PM Ryan: I think submission is a really remarkable thing, really. I’m glad I’m Dom, but subs are pretty awesome creatures
I was really moved when he said what it’s about for him is having a commitment to loving his boy. How often do you hear that in the context of conversations about D/s? Also, it made me smile to hear that he thinks “subs are pretty awesome creatures.” =)
When I broke up with my boyfriend from college, he told me that he thought maybe the best thing for me would be to be someone’s house boy for a while. I don’t just want to be someone’s house boy, but I think that I’m much more ready to accept that part of my life than I have been before. It feels terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.
Thank you Sir!
Whole Without The Other
Is it possible to be a whole sexual person without an ‘other?’ Is it possible to be a complete submissive or dominant without an ‘other’ we use to define ourselves?
I had an amazing encounter last week with a sexy, intelligent, and funny dom guy. After our second coffee date we can back to my apartment and had a little bdsm scene. It wasn’t anything extensive, certainly nothing which I hadn’t done before. And yet on my knees in front of him I felt so complete in a way I haven’t felt in a very long time. I felt complete in that I could reveal my whole self to this man without having to hide anything. I felt complete in that I felt genuinely sexy, that he was attracted to me and wanted me to be at his feet. I felt complete afterwards when we spooned and fell asleep together, that I could be dominated by this man and then be the big spoon as we drifted off in quiet slumber.
As I flip and flop back and forth between feeling dominant and feeling submissive (it usually comes back to being submissive), I find frustration in not being able to *be myself* without the other who defines me in a bdsm role. The terms ‘heterosexual’ and ‘homosexual’ identify if we are attracted to the opposite gender or our own gender, and in as much I suppose sexual attraction is defined by an ‘other.’ But is it the same when identifying as ‘dominant’ or ‘submissive’ in a bdsm/sexual/inter-personal relationship? If I really truly feel submissive, is that a category I can inhabit without a dominant to define my submissiveness? I can go a long time being a single, gay man and not feel that my definition of ‘gay man’ is limited by the lack of a relationship. Can I do the same with being ‘submissive?’
This for me has important repercussions about how I define what I offer to a relationship. I have noticed lately that I’m in the habit of immediately looking for what I *want*, instead of looking for the person I am excited about *giving to*. I feel like defining myself as ‘submissive’ or ‘dominant’ automatically puts me in this frame of mind of wanting something from the other: I want a dominant to look like this, or act like this, etc. I guess it’s the same way with relationships in general – we want certain things out of being in a relationship with someone. But I think, for me, adding the bdsm, d/s mix to it adds another layer of “I” and “want.”
So, how do I be a whole submissive without defining myself in terms of the ‘other?’ How do I avoid emotional and sexual frustration and at the same time explore the idea of being ‘submissive?’ Is the best way to avoid the trap to avoid the label? And, in a larger sense, how do I apply this to all my friendships and relationships?
My Favorite Punctuation Is In The News!
The Oxford Comma Makes Headlines
I dearly love the Oxford comma. A quote from the article which describes my feelings:
“People — people like me — love the serial comma. They rely on it. They feel like society’s abandonment of it is a sign that all has gone haywire. They feel about it the way other people feel about newspapers, green spaces, or virtue.”
The world would not be such a wondrous place were it not for the stars in the sky, the waves of the ocean, the smile of a lover, and the Oxford comma.
30 June 2011 | Categories: Identity, Language, Running Commentary | 1 Comment »