Dating Ruminations
So today I made some new photos for one of my profiles. They ended up being pretty run-of-the-mill, I didn’t want to do head shots so I wore my muzzle and did head shots that way. I appended my profile to read in the first line “How creative, a boy in a muzzle! But anyway folks…”
I was trying to find humor in a situation which I find frustrating. We live in a culture which encourages us to be independent, to be “different,” to find things which make us unique. My suspicion is that I am fairly ordinary in most ways, and at the most anything ‘unique’ about me is that which is a combination of my many ordinary-parts. This suspicion-of-ordinary I usually find confirmed when I read other people’s profiles out on dating sites. Most of them are submissive, and most of them read something like “Hey! I’m submissive! Tie me up!” This, in essence, is my profile. And without much opportunity to share other things about myself – “I’m a musician! I read lots of history! I’m a stickler for correct punctuation!” – I feel I blend into the crowd. This was confirmed this fall when I created a “Dom” profile and started getting way more hits than I’d ever had before.
So the question then becomes, in a dating pool with many submissives and few dominants, with many dominants I don’t seem to click with, how do I make myself stand out? How do I make myself seem interesting to the guys I’m interested in? I’m starting to reach out into my community here more, although that hasn’t been wildly successful yet. I should start going to community events, but it’s hard to go stag to something new in a community you’re just joining. Part of this, I know, is figuring out in my mind what exactly I think I offer, and then trying to make that as clear as possible. Part of this is to just jump in and see if I sink or swim. But I think a not-small-part is trying to get at exactly what it is I offer, so I know that myself.
Language
I’ve been thinking a lot about language lately. So, I’m not surprised that I woke up and my mind was still whirring around the words ‘kinky’ and ‘queer.’
I think I like ‘kink’and ‘kinky’ because they are at once descriptive and also not descriptive. Just like “queer,” there is a connotation but it feels one step removed from terms like ‘bdsm’ or ‘gay.’ For instance, when I say “I’m a gay man” that automatically puts me in the category of men who have sex with men – which is fine, that’s what I do. But ‘queer’ is one step removed from that – it’s a bit more nebulous. Same with kink. I could use terms like D/s or bdsm, but those already are more descriptive about what’s going on. Kink steps back from that.
I think what’s positive about being a step removed is that it’s a larger umbrella for people to sit under. I may identify as a gay man, but if I use the label queer then I’m putting myself in the same group as trans people or lesbians might use instead. In the same vein, using “kink” could put me in with a group of people including lesbians, straight people, trans people, and others who are into something which they put under the rubric of ‘kink.’ It feels very inclusive.
I think the downside is that these less-specific words feel safer because they are less identified with specific sexual practices which I have negative connotations about. I’ve owned ‘gay’ for myself at this point, but I really haven’t done that with D/s or bdsm. They *sound* unhealthy, dirty, something I don’t want to be. And while that is my own baggage, I also want to find words and ways to celebrate my own sexuality. Sex is an awesome, sacred gift to be celebrated. Maybe a step toward that is using words from which I don’t shy away.
KQLGBTA
Ah, it’s that time of the year. National Coming Out Day, when the LGBTQA community openly declares our presence. We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it. Today all my friends were talking about National Coming Out Day, posting the fact that they are gay out on their Facebook pages, so on and so forth. And while that’s all fine and good, I had a different sort of coming out on my brain.
My summer fling just visited, and we decided that it’s best if we don’t try to do a long distance relationship. It makes me sad, I like him a lot. But I also am happy in that I feel liberated to go explore other opportunities in my new home. Specifically, I can go explore the kink community here (and, ahem, the Asian community). But in thinking about my summer guy, I am very aware that I never had the kink-coming-out conversation with him. I used the usual excuse with myself… it seemed like a short-term situation, why pollute the waters with something like that if we’re just going to have a summer of fun. Why bother?
But check out that language. “Pollute the waters.” “Something like that.” This is how I think about my sexuality, this is how I describe myself to myself. Healthy? Not so much. It’s time to be open with myself, and my sexual partners, about who I am and where I am on the spectrum. More importantly, it’s time for me to be happy. It really is now or never. It’s time for me to accept myself as a whole creation, a creation of God, a creation who doesn’t have to make excuses to himself or others about his sexuality.
And this includes the “K” part of my sexuality.
So, from now on… “I am what I am.” A fully whole creation of the universe. A person whose sexuality is labeled by many names, one of which I choose to be ‘kink.’ (Another I have adopted lately, instead of or in addition to gay, is Queer.) In honor of this, I suggest we should add “K” to the ever-expanding litany of letters. From now on it’s like a radio station West of the Mississippi – KQLGBTA.
There we are, kinksters, right up front. Better late than never.
Folsom Street Spirituality
Yesterday I went to Folsom Street Fair. I have to admit it really wasn’t what I was expecting, but then again I don’t know what I expected.
It was a hot, hot day (I wore a tank top, studded leather belt, dark jeans and black chucks), and there were lots and lots of people there. I got there early enough to walk around and see some of the booths before it got super busy. I perused the leather stuff on sale and cruised the few guys who I thought were super hot. Eventually I met up with some friends, it got busier, we danced some, and I decided I’d had enough of the crowds and left a little after 3:30. I went to Mr. S to get a few fun things, then got back on the BART and back home. All in all, a random day at a street fair.
The important part of the day came in two parts. First, a friend I was there with, said that he had a problem with watching one of the floggings. He said that it didn’t seem intimate, or feel spiritual, because it was so on display and that random people were taking pictures of it happening. For whatever reason, his equating a flogging with spirituality got to me. Other folks have made that connection before, but not in a way that I was ready to hear. When we went to Mr. S we talked a bit about relationships and shared some things we hadn’t shared before. It felt really good, like I could open up to him and trust him in a way I really haven’t been able to trust other people before.
After I got home I had a Skype chat with the person I’ve been seeing this summer. We haven’t talked about kink at all, and are having conversations about if we’re going to continue (or, rather, start) a long distance relationship. We’re both on the edge about it. I really really like him, but am not sure that a long distance relationship is a good idea having just moved to the Bay to start a new phase of my life. He’s equally unsure. I think that it may be the right time for me to really explore kink, and don’t know if I can do that with him, or by myself in a long distance thing with him in an open relationship sort of way.
So today I woke up and was thoroughly exhausted, both emotionally and physically. But one thing I’ve been thinking about all day that this is the time in my life to really explore kink, to really explore that side of me. I think the fates are finally allowing me to do that, and that even though it will be hard to give up what I have going with my guy, it’s the right thing to do.
The thing that seems to make this okay for me is that I really, really want to explore the intimate and spiritual side of kink and BDSM. It occurred to me that extended bondage could really be about meditation, and that the respect and reverence of a master (or sub) could be about the respect and reverence of the divine in that person. I am sure there are a large number of other intimate and spiritual connections I can make while exploring the kink realm, stuff that isn’t expressed at all in porn or erotica. It seems to me I’m hard-wired to think about sex in a kink way, and it would be healthy and helpful to think about it in a spiritual, healthy, growth related way as well. That means, of course, finding a community who think the same way. I may or may not be able to find that in the Bay, but I stand a much better chance here than other places I’ve lived.
At Mr. S I bought a hood with a mouth opening, and also a ball gag (finally!). Even though I’ve been identifying as Dom lately, I’m going to put myself in some sort of bondage for a while tonight (handcuffs, ankle shackles, hood, and gag) and just let myself sit and be. I don’t want it to be about being horny (although that surely will be part of it), but I just want it to be about sitting, about feeling the restraint, about feeling the isolation – and being with that. No matter which side of the coin I play in any relationship, it’ll be good to have that experience.
Pride (and Prejudice)
I have finally accepted that I really don’t like the annual onslaught of gay pride events every June. It’s not that I’m not out (I am out) or not proud (I am proud) or even that I don’t have friends to hang out with at all these events (I do). What it all boils down to is that, even after all these years of going to pride events, of being out and part of a community, I still feel different from the rest and insecure about who I am.
When I was in college I worked at a summer camp, and each week we had a camp dance. There was a guy who was a few years younger than me who I had a crush on. He was beautiful and popular and funny and, alas, straight. I’d have my 80s teen movie moments, watching him dance from across the room, wishing I was the girl dancing with him. I was envious and jealous that he was *normal*. Assuming for the moment there is such a thing, I was jealous that he looked so confident in himself, in his sexuality, and his ability to interact with people. I was jealous that he could have all the things society promised – a girlfriend, a happy relationship, eventually a wife, etc. – and not even have to think about it.
Now I know that none of those things are guaranteed to anyone, that there really is no such thing as “normal,” and that quite possibly he was just as insecure as I was and am. But I’ve never shaken the feeling that I am different and, somehow, damaged. I go to pride dances and shake a leg with all the cute guys; I hang out with my group of friends and watch the parade and go to the festival. But I always feel like the ugly duckling, the odd one out, the one who will never really fit in anywhere. And, being 31, I am starting to wonder if I’ll ever really feel that sense of place and community I long for so much.
This is all exacerbated by the fact that I’ve been hanging out with this (presumably) vanilla guy who I went out on a few dates with five years ago; we now seem to have the beginnings of a summer fling. I don’t know for sure he’s vanilla, but I assume he is. He’s very cute, and intelligent, and fun. But I am so tired of feeling like my kink sexuality is something I have to hide, something which sets me apart, something which makes me different. Of course if I were generally more out and loud about my kink sexuality I might meet more guys who are on the same page, but that’s not really who I am. I am reserved, I am sedate, I do not advertise intimate things about myself in my community… only, of course, on the Internets.
So this pride season I still feel insecure, and I still feel different, and I still feel like the odd one out. There is probably a switch I have to flick in my head to not feel this way, but I haven’t found it yet. As I explore the dominant side of my personality I may try that a bit with my summer fling – not in terms of saying ‘hey I’m into D/s how about you?’ but just by acting a bit more aggressive in bed than I usually am… assuming, of course, I get that far with him. We shall see.
This post is truly a reflection of my state of mind today, which involved being woken up early by heavy machinery outside my window, then falling back asleep and getting to work late. Maybe it’s all in my head, but really I do feel this way every year. I hate to say I’m looking forward to pride being over, but really that’s how I feel. Maybe a run will help, so it’s good I’m going to the gym now.
Happy pride everyone!
Structural Integrity
In the past few months I’ve had the opportunity to re-evaluate long held beliefs about life and myself. After rejection from a number of graduate school programs last year (where X is an integer greater than 9 and less than 11) I’ve taken some serious time to pause, consider what is right for me, and what I’ve outgrown. I’m finding that I’ve outgrown a good many things. For instance, I’ve outgrown my 18-year-old answer to “what do you want to be when you grow up?” That was a seriously difficult conclusion at which to arrive, but having done so I’m feeling this rush of excitement, this possibility that all may not be exactly as I’d once thought or planned it. Maybe, just maybe, there are surprises around the corner. Big surprises. Exciting surprises. Scary surprises.
And that is pretty awesome.
I’ve been into / aroused by / leather, kink, and bdsm as long as I can remember. As with being gay, I don’t think that’s ever going to change. Also, for pretty much as long as I’ve understood my inclination toward the kink, I’ve also thought ‘Old Guard‘ isn’t for me in any way, shape, or form. No thanks, no how.
Or… is it?
After some great conversations and emailing this past week I’m beginning to question if my long-held aversion to things like protocol is still valid. When I was 18, and 23, and 27 that worked for me. I had no need to call anyone ‘Sir,’ to have any litany of rules to follow, to be a part of a greater system of men who lived out this code of behavior. Not only did I have no need for that, but I wasn’t in a place where my self confidence would allow for that. But now I wonder if, as what I seek from a relationship changes, if I might not be looking for something a bit more resembling the Old Guard, a little more lifestyle oriented, a little more… traditional?
For me even to ask these kinds of questions is a huge step. Regardless of what happens for me in relationships in the next five years, I think nothing but good can come out of taking out long-held, firm beliefs and testing them for structural integrity. Is my favorite color still green? Yes. Are the only two ice cream flavors worthy of my attention chocolate and strawberry? Possibly. Is ‘Sir’ really such a bad word?
Good question.
Well Look Its 2:16 AM
2:16 AM I guess is better than twenty five or six to four. But only by an hour and twenty two minutes.
I clambered out of bed about an hour ago because I couldn’t sleep, thought ‘oh I’ve got all the time in the world to write in my blog and sort out all this stuff that’s swimming around in there like some sort of tropical fish bowl in an upscale restaurant in a seaside resort town in the middle of July’ but now its 2:18 and I wrote one long email completely off-topic of all the stuff I’m thinking about and now I’m feeling a bit more tired but also think that if I were to press noggin to pillow all I’d get in return is another half an hour of tossing and turning followed by another chapter in my trashy summer fantasy novel (oh shit today is the first day of fall) and then maybe round 2 back at the trusty laptop.
Right.
The original source of my not-sleepy-ness was thinking about two really great conversations I had this weekend with this Dom guy I’ve been chatting up on the Internets for a little over two months. He lives far far away, and alas there’s no immediate chance of anything happening with him – but talking with him is majorly awesome. (Note to self: never use the ‘majorly awesome’ construction when blogging. Ever.) One thing which is great is that it reminds me of when I was about 9 years younger, talking to this Dom guy who lived in LA. We had some deep, intimate discussions about life and sex, and it got me all excited about being kinky. Talking with my new Dom friend makes me feel the same way – excited, a little off balance, and like I wish I could have asked him to the senior prom.
Wow. Now that would have been Majorly Awesome, going to the senior prom with a Dom dude. I’m entirely sure the 17-year-old version of me would have thought that the best idea evar, and at the same time had absolutely no idea what to do with that. Thank heaven I’m not 17 anymore.
The two conversations I had with this Dom on Saturday night and yesterday morning which were so great were mostly about how he structures D/s relationships, including his last one which was 3 years long. He’s very hardcore about it, not only in the hardcore sex sort of way, but in the what seems to be total integration he has with it in his life. In some ways its a kinky gay male version of what a typical 50s husband-and-wife life would be, only updated for us modern gay kinksters. He’s got a group of Doms who he is friends with, and all their subs hang out as well in their own little sub-group. Its not so much a leather family as an extended leather community of like-minded guys, and it sounds really intriguing. Scratch that. It doesn’t “sound really intriguing.” If it works like he says it does, it makes my heart sing. It makes me feel like there are other people out there, other gay men, who have figured out what this is and how it works and what it means. They’ve taken the paradigm of kink, melded it with a more traditional lifestyle setup, and made it something functional and healthy and workable.
One part of the conversation was me commenting on how hard it is to find someone here to be with, and he said the same thing about his city. Specifically I was saying how frustrated I feel like I’m ‘just another sub’ and why would anyone, much less a hot, intelligent, funny, well spoken Dom want with me. His reply was basically to the effect that the cream rises to the top, and even as a Dom you have to kind of weed your way through all the sub guys who don’t fit your bill. And that helped me realize that I do in fact have a lot to offer, and that if I accept me for who I am and advertise to the right market, I have a pretty good shot at meeting someone I’d be into.
Of course it helps that this Dom is super hot, intelligent, well-employed, and lives in a major city with lots of culture on offer. But if he and his friends have this thing going on there, I assume you could get it going on anywhere. It also helps that this guy is very flirty with me, complimentary and talkative and interested in who I am aside from just a sounding board for his Dom ego.
I started this blog exploring my Dom side, and as always it has returned me to the roots of my kinky sexuality – feeling submissive. That’s not to say I don’t see a cute guy and think it’d be hot to tie him up, or that I don’t think that I could be in a relationship where there’s some ‘turning of the tables’ action once in a while. But, at the end of the day, or in the middle of the night, when I ask deep, clearly worded, un-obtrusive questions of my soul such as ‘what do you really want?’ – the answer always comes back the same.
Okay, now its 2:37. That was more helpful than the email I wrote in trying to calm my mind. I’m still thinking a lot about my new job which starts tomorrow, the fact that I don’t have to go to my much-despised old job, and what that means. But this is enough for now, so I will send it off to the lack of sleep Gods and hope they send back 40 winks.
Hitching, Horses, and the Bridal Suite
As anyone who is paying any attention to the news is aware, gay marriage is, to say the least, a big issue right now. It is so amazing to think that I can get married, like, for real married, in Iowa, Vermont, Massachusetts, and Connecticut. Pretty. Fucking. Cool.
When I chose the name for this blog I’d intended it to be a reference pony play, not really thinking about the marital application of the word. So I am pleased and surprised to notice, from a BDSM perspective, that we can use the same word in both a play-space aspect and a traditional-marriage aspect. I want to get married in a nice traditional ceremony with tuxedos (yum yum yum) and a nice reception with a champagne toast and a dance with mom. Then I want to return to the bridal suite (would it be called a bridal suite without the bride? or would it be the grooming suite? wouldn’t we have groomed beforehand? and isn’t a groom someone who takes care of a horse?) and have a night of bit gags and awesome sexing.
Oooh, this just in from wikipedia:
What is a horse bridal used for? A bridle is a piece of equipment that fits over a horse’s head and holds a bit in the horse’s mouth.
And then I found this:
Bridling is the final step in preparing, or tacking up, a horse before you ride.
Hot.
I want some of this ‘tacking up’ to happen the night I get married, please and thank you.
So now we have ‘hitching,’ ‘bridal,’ and ‘groom’ – all three which can be related to both matrimony and pony play. There’s got to be some patriarchal deconstruction of matrimonial and equine language in someone’s thesis somewhere, but at 11:39 at night that is clearly out of the range of my thought process… and at any time out of the scope of this blog.
It makes me even more interested in getting married. And, um, pony play.
Now where is that bit gag…
Dear Prudence, Won’t You Come Out To Play?
So my gym buddy has been on a quest to rid his freezer of all this extra stuff he’s bought and never cooked. Tonight he made this yummy (if slightly more spicy than I can take) chile, and had some of us over for dinner and drinks. I got there just after 8 and found him, my ex boyfriend, and mutual friend who I’ve slowly been getting to know all gathered around the table. We had lovely dinner and then went out to a bar with which we have a love-hate relationship. We hate it on Fridays and Saturdays when it is too loud to have a conversation and the bar staff can’t be bothered to serve drinks. However we love it on Monday nights when bottles of wine are half off. It is our habit on such nights to order champagne. Yum.
Anyway, the random mutual friend is a good guy I’ve met a few times. He’s recently out of a long term relationship and, as gathered and reliable evidence is making increasingly clear, he’s into the BDSM sex. He’s a few years younger than me, pretty cute, and fun to be around. He grew up around here and, from what I can tell anyway, has a lot of leathersex experience. Which is cool, because as I was saying I feel like I’m still looking for my community and people around here. He’s also very open and free about his sexuality, which is something I have never been able do gracefully.
Being around him tonight helped confirm something I’ve been feeling lately, which is, simply put, how tired I am of feeling prudish about sex. I like sex. I like sex a lot. But I’m also somewhat conservative when it comes to hookups, random encounters, and sleeping around. One part of that is I live in a small town and don’t need or want everyone to know my story. And part of it is, being the good Yankee boy I am, I’m prudish about sex. This is bordering on what some might call “old fashioned.” I like dates. I like butterflies. I like to know people a bit before we but intimate parts of our anatomies in each other. And sometimes, when I’m around people who are so free and easy with their sexuality it makes me feel (painfully) prudish.
So anyway I’ve been feeling increasingly lately that its time to make another foray into the world, into the BDSM community around here, and see what happens. The guy I’m talking about works near me, so I’m considering an innocent suggestion we have lunch and see where it goes from there. As I said he’s pretty cute, and I certainly wouldn’t mind getting a little hay-rolling going on with him. But also just to have a buddy who is involved in that scene around here, and who I feel I can relate to, seems like a pretty good idea.
Wow
Wow. Super special thanks to both Dev and Goose for the first comments on The Hitching Post and the shout-outs in their respective blogs. That totally made my day. I’ve been reading both of their blogs for a while now and… wow… super cool.
Thank you!
