Week 2
I’m struggling with finding a good word or term for my experiment in self-celibacy. Maybe that’s the best way to put it, or perhaps orgasm abstinence. I’d like to find a term for this project which describes what I am doing. Partially because the project is not about sex per se, but about exploring my relationship with sexual energy, I want to avoid the O word – it’s not just about not having an orgasm.I don’t want to frame it in a negative way, as in what I’m “not doing,” because what I am doing is more important. What I am doing is exploring self control, and exploring how my energy feels different now than it does when I regularly get off. It’s a very, very different feeling. I think I’ll stick with self-celibacy for now.
Week 2 – so far, so good. I’ve stuck to my rules. Joshua’s comment about the punishment factor, and the point that the effort is more important than punishments and rewards, was hugely helpful. Even if I fall of the wagon, the experiment is what is important here.
Speaking of ‘falling of the wagon,’ what I discovered this week is what an orgasm junkie I am, and how different it feels to basically go cold turkey. Not that orgasms or masturbation are in any way bad things – I highly approve – but it’s interesting to see how my energy flows and ebbs during the week. Last Sunday after my weekly dose of endorphins I really noticed the difference my frame of mind which occurs after getting off. As the week progressed I noticed the tension build up, and it was back to a boiling point by Wednesday. Seeing this was a powerful lesson in how my own sense of self is moderated by the chemicals which get released into my body and the feelings I feel after climax. It definitely feels like, in a way, it’s something to which I’m addicted.
I think it’s jut regular celibacy (admittedly with a weekly break!) I think the difference here is between celibacy — the conscious desire to control one’s own sexuality — and chastity, which involves an exterior force controlling your sexuality. In a non-BDSM context these lines are obviously blurry (celibacy and chastity are often the same thing, but practiced respectively by men and women. On the other hand, chastity has often been forced upon women as a means of social control, where celibacy lacks that kind of connotation altogether.) Perhaps there would be a more effective word for your specific project, but I can’t think of one that’s better than the one that already exists.
I’m glad my comment was helpful! The experiment, or “journey” as the New Age lesbians put it, is definitely more important than the outcome (whether that outcome is . . . erm . . .the cum coming out or not.) I think we tend, as sexual progressives, to view getting off as a fundamentally “normal” experience and therefore one that can and should be experienced all the time. I don’t have a problem with that theory, but as fundamental an urge as it is, it does carry a lot of power, as you’ve noted. Being able to control those energies, without suppressing them, is a good way to understand the manifestations of various forms of power in our bodies and of understanding your own particular relationship to your sexuality — which can only really, i think, be “accepted” as an holistic part of you once you face the fact that is, in some ways, alien. Even I don’t know if that made sense outside of my head, but I hope it did!
13 September 2011 at 3:50 am