Week 3 – Energy
A short post tonight… many pages left to read before I may worship with St. Pillow.
At the end of week 3, I’m faced with a few questions and observations:
- What do I do with all this energy?
- Two weeks ago I’d have described this energy as ‘sexual,’ but I’m not sure that I can continue to do that.
- When the energy is released it is a mixture of pleasure and emptiness. Yes, it feels great in the moment. But what felt like release now feels like emptiness.
- What is the best way to allow this energy to build up but not “provoke” it? By “provoke” I mean give it an explicitly sexual twist, either by looking at pr0n or else thinking about sex?
- In noticing this energy I also notice other energy I expend without thinking about it – pacing while I read, the endless leg-bobbing which runs in my family, tapping the table all the time as if I’m playing piano. It reminds me of Buddhist monastics who, only eating one meal a day, have to be very careful about how they regulate their expenditures of energy.
- I am very curious and want to do some research on Buddhist and Christian celibacy, not from a moral “sex is bad” perspective, but just constructive ways to engage the spirit of the exercise and work with the energy.
What started out as mostly an experiment in sexual self-control, with the idea I’m preparing myself for some favor of D/s chastity, is quickly working itself into a very interesting experiment in spirituality. The older I get the more the line between the two seems to blur.
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Oooh! When I published this post it advised me that it is my 100th post! Wahoo! Break out the Miller High Life!
Week 2
I’m struggling with finding a good word or term for my experiment in self-celibacy. Maybe that’s the best way to put it, or perhaps orgasm abstinence. I’d like to find a term for this project which describes what I am doing. Partially because the project is not about sex per se, but about exploring my relationship with sexual energy, I want to avoid the O word – it’s not just about not having an orgasm.I don’t want to frame it in a negative way, as in what I’m “not doing,” because what I am doing is more important. What I am doing is exploring self control, and exploring how my energy feels different now than it does when I regularly get off. It’s a very, very different feeling. I think I’ll stick with self-celibacy for now.
Week 2 – so far, so good. I’ve stuck to my rules. Joshua’s comment about the punishment factor, and the point that the effort is more important than punishments and rewards, was hugely helpful. Even if I fall of the wagon, the experiment is what is important here.
Speaking of ‘falling of the wagon,’ what I discovered this week is what an orgasm junkie I am, and how different it feels to basically go cold turkey. Not that orgasms or masturbation are in any way bad things – I highly approve – but it’s interesting to see how my energy flows and ebbs during the week. Last Sunday after my weekly dose of endorphins I really noticed the difference my frame of mind which occurs after getting off. As the week progressed I noticed the tension build up, and it was back to a boiling point by Wednesday. Seeing this was a powerful lesson in how my own sense of self is moderated by the chemicals which get released into my body and the feelings I feel after climax. It definitely feels like, in a way, it’s something to which I’m addicted.
Training Schedule
In a conversation with a dom friend he asked me what I thought I need to learn to be a better sub. One thing led to another, and the topic moved to chastity and orgasm denial. I said that I didn’t have much experience with either, aside from a self-enforced experiment almost ten years ago. He suggested that as part of my own currently-single-training-regime I might limit myself to one orgasm per week, with a reward or punishment depending on success or failure. He suggested the orgasm be at the same scheduled time every week.
Today marks 7 days since my last orgasm. I’ve decided that Sunday is a good day, probably Sunday afternoon before dinner. That way it isn’t associated with waking up or going to sleep, but is a release of tension before the beginning of the work week. I’m not sure on any specific rewards or punishments yet, but I’ll consider that as the experiment goes along. Prior to my chat with my dom friend I was already thinking about exploring celibacy / chastity as a spiritual practice, specifically cutting back on orgasms and limiting or cutting out porn. Combining a spiritual practice with my interest in D/s makes sense.
We’ll see how long I can last going a week between orgasms without outside encouragement.
