On Feeling 15 Again
I’m at my parents’ house for a week of family vacation. Even though I will shortly enter the last year of my early 30s (otherwise known as my ‘late early 30s’), whenever I come home for more than three days I feel the mental pressures of being about 15. Even though this house has been transformed in the past few years by huge amounts of renovation and work, it’s still the house in which I grew up. Even though my mom took me out to dinner last night and we had great food and I had a whiskey sour, part of me still feels like an adolescent. It is seemingly unavoidable.
So this morning my sister had yet to arrive and my mom was at her office catching up on some stuff. I decided to spend my time organizing things, figuring out what I’m going to take back west with me, etc. Because it was fairly hot on our second floor, and because I was carrying boxes and such, I decided to take off my shirt. Then I decided it would be more fun to do this work in my underwear. Then I decided it would be even more fun to do this work, instead of sporting the trunk-cut boxer-briefs I put on this morning, in a jock strap.
What prompted this? Well initially, as I said, it was very warm. Then when I had the idea to just do the underwear thing, it was me feeling like I wanted to do something ‘a bit naughty,’ which had a very slight risk of getting caught. Then, with the jock, I figured, what the hell, if I’m going to be ‘a bit naughty’ then I might as well be ‘a lot naughty.’ I like being naked or mostly naked, and as soon as I move back to the Leftist Coast I will have very few opportunities outside of my small room. So, I figured, why the hell not. Also it lets me feel submissive, which is cool. But mostly, I will admit, it was the 15 year old in me wanting to act out a bit.
Since I am fairly comfortable and confident in my mental health as a person who now fully qualifies as an “adult” or “grown up,” I like the fact that I can own this and have fun with it. I believe the term is “regressive pull” in the context of working with children and youth. I definitely feel “regressive pull” when I spend time at the ‘rents house. Who doesn’t like to be naughty on occasion?
Cough Cough, Sniffle Sniffle
I’m not sure what it is about being sick, but whenever I have a bad cold I also get *extremely horny*. It seems odd that while my body is fighting off this infection, I’m also completely distracted by sex. Maybe it’s the being in bed or lying down so much of the time? Maybe it’s that my mind is going in twenty different directions at once, and so something more animal takes over? I have no idea its cause, but it’s a pattern I’ve noticed for a long time.
A Thought
My Dom friend in Boston, on my comment that I thought my DIY erotica was too sub-centric:
“I think if all porn were made, first and foremost, to satisfy the people who were making it, porn would be a lot hotter and generally less yicky.”
In other words, write what makes you horny.
Yes, Sir!
Late Afternoon Nap
It’s late afternoon when I happily shut the door to my bedroom. Having escaped work early and rolled myself up the hill from my job, and having been up kind of late the night before, a nap seems in order. The door clacks behind me and I cannot quickly enough shed my clothes. My t-shirt is the first casualty, falling haphazardly in the middle of the floor. Keys, wallet, and phone tumble out of my pockets and quickly after that my jeans slide down my legs. Liberated from the confines of cotton, I’m left standing in a jock and my running socks – which seem to me a good combination for a nap.
I peel back the bedspread (too hot for that) and quickly slip under the covers. The coolness of the sheets is a delight against my legs and I turn over a few times just to enjoy the sensation. I quickly consider and drop the idea of reading from my new book, the last in a series of four fantasy novels… it will not take me long to wrap myself in sleep and let the afternoon drift its way into evening. The whirr of the ceiling fan accompanies me on the trip. It’s a sound I haven’t had the pleasure of before but am now accustomed to. It’s comforting and not only moves the air but moves my soul a bit in some small way.
As my mind starts to wander I try on a few sexy fantasies. Instead of stranded a continent away I imagine myself “nearer my Dom to thee.” It’s a Friday night, but instead of a drink with friends I imagine I am waiting for him to come home and find me in bed wearing only a yummy jock and ankle socks. Pleased to find me in such a fashion he’d climb into bed with me and spoon for a while, his strong arms wrapping around me, waking me up. I’d turn, offer a kiss to his lips and neck, and then return to my napping, happy to no longer be alone as I receive a few pecks on the back of my neck.
I’d wake up to the sounds of a drawer opening and closing and then the sudden feeling of the sheet being pulled back. The breeze from the fan would be increased and I’d groggily turn to see him approaching with my favorite muzzle, some rope, and a crown royal bag full of clothes pins. I stay where I am, knowing it’s better to let him tell me what to do than try to anticipate a move. I am lying on my tummy and, putting the rope and bag down, he climbs onto the bed and straddles my back. Very quickly my mouth is stuffed with gag, my eyes are covered with the fully-effective blindfold, and the muzzle is firmly strapped into place. I chew on the gag and enjoy the fact that the best I’ll be able to do is whimpers and moans. Click here to continue reading…
Iowa Weddings! Gem Sweaters!
Iowa! Weddings! Sweaters!
I can haz Iowa Praire Wedding of Tenderness?
Or mayhaps I can haz gem sweater collar?
Bottled Anger
I am not very good at dealing with anger. What I mean is that I have never really allowed myself to feel anger. I have always been very good (too good) at allowing myself to cool down, to take myself out of a situation, to deal with it rationally, and then come back to it later. I never fire off the angry email. I cannot remember ever yelling at someone. I can get snippy, but never *angry*. I usually regret things I speak in anger. I have learned not to speak from that place.
As a rule this serves me very well. What this also means, though, is that I rarely experience the cathartic letting go which releasing anger allows. The last time I remember being truly possessed of my anger was January 1, 2001. Following a new year’s eve party my ex-boyfriend hosted with his then new boyfriend, I went out into the woods and screamed and cried and raged against all that I felt was unfair about the end of our relationship. I was in deep, deep anguish but I had bottled it up in the name of being mature and grown up about the situation.
One of my major fantasies about relationships and sex is to be in situations where a dominant makes me angry and doesn’t release me or comfort me. An example: a Dom I chat with talks about how in his last D/s relationship his boy often slept on the floor, that it was a treat for his boy to sleep in bed with him. Now, I am a hopeless romantic. I love cuddling up next to my boyfriend. So one fantasy is to be flogged (or otherwise given pain on the outer edge of what I can handle), and then be bound, muzzled, and left to sleep on the floor for the night. A variation on that is coming home on a Friday, being told to cancel my plans, and then being bound by myself for the evening or whole night. I imagine I would be angry in either situation. In my fantasy there would be nothing I could do about it. And that makes me.. extremely… horny.
Given that I have fairly firm control over my emotions and my anger, it makes sense that in my fantasy life I confront this and give myself over to it. I’m not sure why I didn’t make this connection before. It gives me hope I can make similar connections, in order to better understand where these deep desires come from and be more emotionally open and available.
mmm Pizza
My boyfriend from college, the first man to tie me up, is bringing pizza over for dinner tonight and his new boy-toy is tagging along. A snippet from our conversation:
Ex: “So I asked Chris what he wanted for pizza, and he said the apple-bacon combo.”
Me: “Oh yeah?”
Ex-bf: “Yes. I told him that I thought you might like more standard toppings on your pizza. He said ‘Sam is so vanilla!’”
Yes Plz
Oh. My. This is 100 degrees of awesome:
http://www.zazzle.com/good_boy_bdsm_reward_t_shirt-235122796616509104
Maybe someday I will be good enough to earn one! =)
20 August 2011 | Categories: D/s, Running Commentary | 1 Comment »